TULIPS AND CAPYBARAS 8 🌷🌷🌷 (WIFE BEING AWESOMLY)

With that title, I'm pretty sure this blog is going end on wrong side of internet, if it ever came up. Also fuck this app as well as website, I mean thoda to update karo yrr, it's same as 2021. It took me forever to edit it, yes I do edit it 😤, uske baad bhi itni galtiya hoti hai - quite poetic, isn't it.

Fuck it, let's play - STAY WITH ME by MIKI MATSUBARA

Wtf, Karnataka government is rolling ads on Spotify 😭, it's so fucking embarrassing man, these oldies gotta wake up atp, I was fine until desi crime, but this is just so bad. 

Yesterday I saw too many 23s, my birthday 23, last two numbers of roll number 23, my seat number C223, I completed exam 23 mins before, at night I saw 23:23 - समीकरण

After finishing anything I feel void, I'm free now, I don't have anything to look up to, so I start spiralling (when do it not) , cause I don't like being with my thoughts, I don't like listening to my inner monologues, cause if you think I speak so much, then wait till you meet my inner self, it's just non stop, and sometimes I just don't wanna listen to anything, like full-stop, but I'm not able to do it, so I like to suppress it with other loud things, music is one of them, being busy is one of them. 

I always want a sense of purpose, if you leave me without anything to look upto, even if it's just a random day out, I feel so worthless, and yk I know where all of it comes from, and I can go on and on about it, but not today, maybe later.

I also love peonies and pink roses too.

But this void often turns into loneliness, I still remember the first time I felt lonely in my life, it was in first year of my college, I had so many friends in cllg, but I wasn't close to anyone, and my school friendships got messed up too, and at that time I used to scroll my phonebook to find someone to talk to, but I had no one, at that moment I understood what loneliness means, being an extrovert I was never alone at school, always had many friends, I can literally talk to anyone anywhere, but my first lesson of adulthood was to - FIND PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT YOU, talking to everyone doesn't make you there friend, you need good people around you who can make you feel good, good about yourself, and every small things about you. 

Ngl it wasn't easy to find good people, but now when I look back and see people I'm surrounded by, I often feel very satisfied, but then you may ask ki phir kyu hai loneliness? Well ngl I don't think it's about friends or family, yea I mean they fill the void, but ig it's about me, my desires and wishes, which makes me feel that I'm not at right place, in other language you might call it - Need of love and emotional fulfillment, and dw I won't play cool, yes love plays a huge role in it, I mean we all need someone, jiske samne you can just cry without feeling guilty, where you don't have to pretend to be okay and strong, cause somedays we all are just powerless.

"एक जान गई, एक जाती नहीं,

एक और सितम ना कर।

जिसे पाना था, उसे खो बैठे,

ये काफ़ी नहीं है क्या?"

We meet many type of people in our life, aage bhi milenge, and we talk to them, with everyone there's unique kind experiences, but sometimes there are some people, jinke sath you just like talking, you want to go on and on with them, kitna bhi bol lo kuch na kuch reh hi jata hai, lekin kai baar bol bol k bhi thak jate hai, I mean I get tired, idk about you, and then you two just sit together, in silence, just the presence of enough, little arm shrug feel so protective, that feeling is so precious. We all felt it at some point.

Yesterday I was free, but I don't wanna write anything, mere pass kuch bolne ko hi nhi tha, vaisa hi ek din tha, jab bolne ka Mann nhi krta hai, but shanti se baithe rehne ka Mann hota hai, to mai bss baithi thi, apne khayalon k sath, nhi achhe to nhi the, but chalo aaj kuch bolne ko to ho gya, nhi to aaj bhi na bol pati. 

You know what song all of this is reminding me - MAI TENU YADD AWANGA by Surinder Kaur, bada is pyara gana hai by God.

I'm sorry, I don't have anything funny to write today, I mean legit writing(typing) it all from the hospital, what else you expect, it's one of the few places where you get humbled easily, vo alag baat hai ki I just had a dosa, at canteen, thk hai yrr, dukh dard aside, khana pina nhi rukna chahiye, by god ye meri badi achhi quality hai, mai kisi bhi situation me rahu, khana nhi bhulti mai. 

Waise I also have a lot of toxic traits, but if I sum it all, then inshort I can say I'm VERY DRAMATIC, I mean I feel I see everything on a grand level and make my problems bigger than they usually are, thk hai yrr, STAWP NODDING 😤, I'll grow up and be a mature woman soon, but not today, like literally, WHO AM I WITHOUT MY DELUSIONS AND EXAGGERATIONS? WHO AM I, IF I DON'T LAUGH ON MY OWN JOKES? WHO AM I IF I'M NOT MYSELF. 

You know one thing that I often get from many people, is that, ANSHIKA NEVER CHANGE - abhi the thing is ki should I take it like a customer feedback, or they think that I'm someone who'll get easily swayed, idk, I think thoda sa chalak to hu mai bhi. 

Imagine sitting in a hospital waiting area to get you reproductive organs checked, and typing so much, while others thinking you must be having a relationship, meanwhile you just updating you retard blog post. I should get paid for all of this oversharing, atleast 20 dollars per blog. Also woke up early to be here, only to find out I cannot get an appointment, hahahahah. 

Just saw someone heavily pregnant, nothing scares me more than pregnancy, never in my life I imagined myself as a mother, tho I know I got motherly instincts, and it all started with my brother, I feel like a parent to him, tho now my child is all grown up, and always asks me to share if I'm in any problem, that makes me cry, how can I tell that kid to solve my problems when he himself is struggling with a lot? Idk my heart feels so much for him, since I was very young, and funny is that I always acted as his protector since we were young, solving his fights, confronting bullies, and tho he is younger than me, but we are very close in age grp, so we are raised as twins, same same everything, even we used to look quite same, same height, same weight, same hairstyle, funny.

I think I'm too emotional to be a mother, and I always think what if I won't become a good mother, what if they hate me? And mind you all I'm only 23, I mean I'm not even getting married to be concerned about this bullshit. 

Kids are a big deal, I don't know how to act around them, how to play with them. 

For your mental stimulation 

Have you noticed my spectrum when I talk?It's either I did this, I did that, OR you know what I think - atp im pretty sure that in future I'm going to get diagnosed with bpd or Alzheimer's. Im pretty sure till then I have enough money to hire people who can take care for me. 

I wanted to download hinge, but I also know that Im not gonna survive more than 3 hours on it, I don't have energy to talk to anyone at this point, takes so much efforts, btw I never asked you favourite colour na, boundaries bnate bnate basics bhi bhul gyi, puchna to chahiye tha thoda, par bhi vahi baat hai - तुम उधार मांगी किताब सी हो सुधा......

Okay, what's your favourite colour? 

Agar mai ye sab ek chitthi me likh k bhej pati, aur roz milti padhne wale ko, it would've been so so cool, I really want to write letter to someone. Maybe I will start a monthly or weekly letter thing, will write one letter for everyone, and add some other stuff and send them that, or you know what, when I will travel, I will write post card to everyone I love, and post it from there. 

What if I stop writing at all? What if I stop updating this blog one day, suddenly, and go MIA, yk I have potential to do something like that, but abhi to nhi, but anyone close to me will know where I'm, it won't be hard to find me. 

I want to write a story, I cannot write stories, which makes me sad, cause I always go in details and then I feel its getting boring, cause who wanna read a character so talkative, and every characters contemplating so much, then I want to write something thatWIE explores complexities human emotions, but it should be simple too, ughhh its gonna take too much efforts, tho I don't have this dream of getting published or something, I want to write for me only.

I'll get myself a typewriter, in pink colour, and I'll write from the room I have in my mind, sitting next to that big window. 

My feed has only two side, either couples or momo, arey couples ji log, mai apki target audience nhi hu. Legit saw a post from an account names @wife.being.awesomly where a women was bathing a man, what am I supposed to do with that 😭, legit brick by brick. 

Oh I miss my Jungkookie, mera boba. 

Ab ruk jati hu, bahut bkwas kar liya, aur phir mai to bolungi to pure din bolti rahungi na , kisi ne bola tha mereko lol, phir apka time bhi important hai. To chalti hu, achha ha ek baat aur, ab bajenge ekdam fun wale gane, back to my pop playlist. For now, let's listen to - 

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Until I write again,

Till then, bye bye 

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- written by - PARANESIAPARAPOSAAAAA