TULIPS AND CAPYBARAS 2 🌷🌷🌷

"People who look into your eyes are in love with you, people who look at your body, lusts you, people who look both your eyes and body are attracted to you, and people who don't look at you does not care about you."

Says the meow, nom nom nom!

So many, so many possibilities, you running through all of them, trying to decode each gaze, trying to make out something out of it, something that can sooth you, something that might make you sleep at nights, something that won't edge you to freak out. 

You look around, fidgeting, confused, indecisive, don't you want someone to take that big decision for you ? Just the way your parents used to do when you were young, the best part of others making decisions for you is that if it goes down you can blame them, you can escape in that blame.

But look at you, getting to the age where you have to make big decisions, no one to blame, ik you wanna run way, but you cannot, but ask yourself who is stopping you? Look at your hands, no chains, look at your feets, no chain, whatever is stopping you is in your mind, are you so weak that you cannot make a decision for yourself? Then what you going to do when your 3 year old will look at you with boba eyes to make decision for him/her, what will happen if you be stuck with yours and that would make you neglect the prettiest flower that you brought in this world. 

Japanese drama - AIR DOLL

(Right now is the perfect time to watch some old romantic asian movie, specially when it rains heavily, laying on your bed, in softest sheets, and definitely with momo)

I hate giving cliche pep talks, that bores the shit out of me, but yk I know it very well that when you are at your rock bottom, sometimes these kinda cliche talks works, I totally agree that sometimes it sucks too, I hate it most of the times, yk what motivates me more than these cliche stuff ? A banter with my bestie, where we discuss the worst kinda stuff (legal) known to mankind, the most random stuff and after that I'm ready to take another bunch of bad decisions. 

My mum told me that I might've loosed few grams, and I asked her kaise ? And she said cause you skipping meals, mumma yawr, jo bhookh mujhe hai vo ab khane se nhi jayegi, but thk hai, I didn't say this to her, I gave her the smirk 😏, and asked for pocket money, which is declined politely and told me ask my father, who will be home today for janamashtami, should I fast ? I never did, yk after so long I wanna go to Dadhikando mela, it's a big deal in my neighborhood, i used to go there when I was young, but then ig after class 8th we stopped, but they play sucha loud music, it gives me cardiac arrest.

Yesterday when I posted I was sad, but now I'm angry, my overthinking is piling up, I'm about to hit my limit, there can be two possibilities, either I'm going to have a break down, or I'm going to scream at someone, but yk what, I did not cry yesterday, tho I had a fight, which ended up in 1 hour of arguments, everything is resolved, I'm not getting murdered, dw, and I slept at 1 am. But I didn't cry, my mum asked me why my eyes are swollen, I mean I had huge huge breakdown where I cried for hours before sleeping and my mother never noticed but today out of nowhere she looked into my eyes, looked.....no she peeped into my soul and said why you eyes are swollen? Obviously I replied with - Can I get something to eat ?

Swuuuu swuuuu

Speaking of food, I think I'm regaining my appetite, what a fuckery na, in August I went out so many times and wasn't able to eat more than few bites and now I'm hungry all the time, I hope I'm not stress eating.

I also did some journaling yesterday, about August, there's no reason of it, just wanted to preserve my thoughts, whatever I write, my diary entries, blogs, poems..... everything is time capsule, for my future generations, they might read or discard it, that's upto them, I'm not speculating that, but what ik that they'll atleast give it a look, my kids, my grand kids are going to be just like me, emotional whores, with maniac episodes, I want them to be like me, even if it's just a little bit, not a failure like me, I hope they navigate life better than me, maybe all of these will help them at some point.

Them finding it all will be fine, but you know what my biggest fear is ? What if we all get doomed and then civilization is reborn and rebuild and they dig up some area and in some fuck ass data cylinder (or whatever you call it, I ain't that smart) my blogs are saved and they read it all and then they speculate IQ level of people in 2026......huhhhh imagine me being the intelligence prototype for our civilization, I'm sorry I'm sorry, I so sorry to all of you. 

I usually have this habit of hyperfixation, and I get obsessed with literally anything, which also happens with food items, there was a time I always used to crave oranges, orange colour, orange as imagery in poem, then I got obsessed with trying all the ice-creams in the shop near by, then I got obsessed with this specific chocolate ice-cream by Dinshaw's and I used to eat it every single day for months, now I'm obsessed with pink cake, idk why this specific shade, I just want to eat it again, today, I crave it so much rn.

I think I should stop now, I know you reading it you sneaky fucker, but yea I need a hug, I crave it, and I miss it, ik all this sounds so desperate and I should stop it all, but idk I'm just so confused with all my thoughts. If all of this feels burdening, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it.

Baby is HUNGARY 

 

Until I write next,

Till then 

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Byeee

Byeeeeeee

- written by - PARANESIAPARAPOSAAAAA

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JAOOO YRRR 🤭