"Unfiltered Thoughts: From Bollywood to the Queen's Gambit"

Since I started this blog, one thing I did most was rant. I rant about my life, my college, my friends, the education system, the political system, adulthood—literally whatever comes to mind. Today I'm going to do the same. Why? Well, because I feel weird again. I mean, I don't know what to name this feeling, but my feet feel very light, while my upper body feels heavy. My heart is racing faster than usual, and there's this feeling of void and detachment. Huhhhh... well, it's the right time for me to vomit out all my various thoughts through writing.

When I feel like this, I feel strange. I feel like I'm worthless—not in the future sense, but in a talent sense. I also admit that I like being the center of attention, and whenever I find people who are better than me, I try to imitate them. I don't know if it's because of my insecurities or if it's just human behavior.

But this feeling gives me a better flow. I don't have to think about what to write next, what my next word should be. Everything goes in such a beautiful flow. I want a hug; I know that. But I don't know what kind of hug. I definitely don't want to cry when I feel like this... maybe... I just want to feel powerful... I don't know.

Sometimes I feel this when I watch a movie or read a story, and there are a few side characters who were very important to the story. Or I see a sad movie where, at the end, someone dies or loses everything. I often try to think about what happens next. I mean, I try to build the further story of those side characters or those main characters. I try to fill their mouths with my words and all sorts of possibilities of what could have happened to them.

The earliest I remember feeling like this was when I was around 10-11 years old. I watched a movie called Ishaqzaade—not appropriate for kids of that age, but thanks to unsupervised TV and my love for Bollywood since a very young age. The movie focuses on inter-religion marriage and honor killing. I was flabbergasted by what I saw. By that age, I knew what honor killing was, thanks to the Hindi newspapers I used to read for hours.

I drank so much water in the past hour, and I still feel the same. I had snacks to fill up that void. I thought maybe it was just my never-ending hunger, but it wasn't.

I watched Queen's Gambit this afternoon. The happy ending was all I was rooting for, but I don't care for the main character. I should have, right? All I noticed in her was her red hair. But I want to know about Mr. Shaibel and Mr. Wheatley. I can understand my sympathy for Shaibel, but why Wheatley? He was pathetic, but why do I want to know about his story? It's really frustrating. Why don't I feel bad for Jolene, when she is the one who helped Beth at the most critical point of her life? Does all this give me signs about my life—how I always care about things that don't matter anymore and how, because of it, I ruin my today?

Yesterday, I watched "the 8 show", a Korean drama. It was a satire on society. It showed how, in the real world, we are just like contestants of a show that gives you money to simply exist there (in life in other words) but at what cost? By having fun, things that they CONSIDER fun, anything and everything. How people work the same amount of time, and still, some of them get way more than they deserve, while some don't even get a chance to choose and always get stuck with less than what they deserve. It's a perfect show, well written, at least for me. But I didn't have a single thought after watching it. Huhhhhh... I think it's enough Netflix for this month. I cannot take this parasocial relationship anymore. I need to get out of it.

I rooted for two people after soo long (he was really handsome)

Lastly, I think it's all about the good acting, if I don't get this kind of feeling after a book or movie/web series, I don't find them tempting enough to watch it again, and this show definitely passes on this criteria.

Thank you so much for reading it till now, now you know my miseries, so don't show it or discuss is when we meet in real life, I hope we never meet 🤞.

Bye bye