WRITING SINCE I WAS 11

Someone commented on the last blog, I don't know who he/she was, but thank you so much for that comment, it gives me hope to keep writing.

I had a nightmare again, last night I fell asleep with a tense mind, and it was due to some of my insecurities, and in that dream, someone was just poking my insecurities.

So it's been almost 10 years since I'm writing, if I go back into my family history, as much as I know only my father used to write in his twenties, yes he stopped writing anything, I don't know why he stopped but I'm pretty sure it's not about time management because when you are someone who expresses their feelings through writing, it's hard to stop yourself to pick up the pen 🖊️.

As much as I remember, I was in class 5th when I wrote my first poem on Gandhi ji, I was 11 years old back then, and I showed that poem to everyone in my family, and everyone was like okay it's good now just fuck off. And since then I've written so many poems, I don't even remember how many. In my early days I used to throw those poems cause I feel kinda shy with my thoughts, well the situation is still the same now, it's just I stopped throwing them.

It's not only me, many people feel the same, via pinterest.

Most of the poems I wrote between the age of 15-17 when I was at the peak of my teenage, with so many thoughts, teary nights, and no one to share with - I needed something through which I can put out my thoughts, and to me that was poetry, and around 3 years ago I started my Instagram blogging page where used to post my poems and thoughts.

While writing on Instagram I understood that there are a lot of people like me there, who are stuck with some weird thoughts, and just because they have no one they used to put them on paper, how weird it is that we say that we don't feel enough connected with anyone to tell them all secrets about our life and then we post them on social media......

So in those years, I learned the most about writing, there was a community of writers, and community always gives a sense of belongingness, people gave me advice on what I can improve as well as appreciated me, I was not only posting, I was reading also, and I was adopting words and phrases as well as styles which I could use in my writing later, and believe me to write you need to read a lot.

I know a lot of people personally who write but they don't read their fellow writers' creation, giving advice and appreciation builds a connection and help to grow both people.

Now I'm inactive on my Instagram blog, cause I don't feel like posting there anymore, I mean I'm not writing many poems these days as well as posting there is not fun anymore.

Nowadays I'm not even writing much, I feel that this is a sign that I'm healing and I'm not high on emotions anymore, but on the other hand, I also think that it's because I'm facing a creative block, I don't know, maybe after some time I'll figure this out, but this made understand that why my father stopped writing, at least up to some extent.

If I talk about my writing style, it changed a lot throughout the years, I started with revolutionary-patriotic feelings, then moved to women-centric poems, then teen-centric poems which were related to depression, anxiety, and all, and now I just question my poems, or sometimes I talk about love, I moved from making rhyming at the end of every line to the putting some sentences together, cause rhyming doesn't feel satisfying anymore.

Looking back on all these things makes me understand the different stages of my life, and gives me an overview of my priorities throughout the years. But all this doesn't happen in one day or one year, it took me freaking one decade.

So did I see any significant change in my life through writing? Definitely yes, in an easy language, I can say that after writing a poem I feel the same as you might've felt when you talked to your best friend after a long time, to me all my diaries were my best friends, and I'm so glad that my parents never invaded in my privacy and tried to read any of them, well they'll get a heart attack if they will read it.

In the end, I want to say that it's not like I'm a very good writer now and I accomplished so much, till now I never even participated in any writing contest, and I'm not even very good with any of the languages I know, and I don't even think the writer is a right word for me, because we say that Shakespeare was a writer, so if I'll call myself a writer then that means I'm keeping myself on his place, and believe me I don't even understand his novels without the help of the internet, so using the word writer for me is an insult for many great people.

Throughout the years I created my style, which I think is enough for me, as I'm not thinking about making a career in it. 

And yes one more thing which I just remembered, last night in my nightmare, I was breaking into someone's house, oh god what do these sign means? Should I just set up a gang and leave my worthless graduation degree?